(dc g7 174 p 7) time

"LEO (July23 - Aug.22) Time spent waiting around is not necessarily time wasted; you can put your brainpower to use and pass the time in highly profitable thought."

hmmmmm

(dc n 174 p 8) justification

today my main task here at work is to justify my existence. i've been trying to figure out why i have been avoiding this task. i'm pretty sure it's because deep down i don't think my existence here (at hq) or anywhere else is fundamentally justifiable. perhaps my subconscious belief that i don't belong here is running my life way more than i like to think. i read a study once that described how some big percentage of apparently "successful" people don't think they should be where they are, think they just got lucky, or somesuch. if anyone knows where i can find this study, let me know.

(dc g7! 174 p 4) catty - pg13 for grossness

you'll all be happy to know that despite the gaping nickel-sized hole under south's tail,through which one can clearly view raw muscle, she is almost back to her normal self. dr kats (yes, that was her real name) performed heroic deeds of unmentionable disgustingness to empty south's other (nonruptured) gland. contents were "highly abnormal" and must be investigated after she heals a bit more.

i am dutifully administering two sets of pills twice daily - one antibiotic and one cortizone. she's going to be fine, but i've cancelled my previously-planned 4th of july california trip (wedding, family visit) to stay with her.

i'm just remembering last fourth of july...on the side of a hill overlooking the SF Bay with fireworks and bread and cheese and basil and avocado and lime and sweet new love. it's one of my fondest memories of all time.

mmmmmm california avocado.

(dc n 174 p 6) maths and music

in college i had to prove that 1 is positive. all i can remember about it now is that it was very hard to do. at the time i wasn't all that interested in it, either, but now it seems like it would be a good party trick.

tomorrow i start mixing and mastering with protools and critical listening as part of berklee's online masters certificate program in music production and technology. i'm giddy.

i got a free 20G ipod when i registered, and i gave it to justin. he promptly installed linux on it so he could use it to record. that's sort of cool, except you can't control the input gain, nor can you play it back without downloading to the computer. so i'm not quite sure if it's worth it. he also ordered a nifty device that will let him plug it into his car's cd changer so he can control the ipod with his steering wheel. gadget king. he is earning his electric prince title.


kat and shirin both got much better photos of devotions at tiny planet today. i think it's time for a new camera.

(dc y1 174 p 7) update on south

hi. this is mostly for my not-so-kind-but-it-turns-out-probably-right reader who proposed that it was very selfish of me to leave town when i suspected something was wrong with south. when i returned yesterday, her condition had visibly worsened. whereas she was acting completely normal when i left, she was now hobbling around, tail down, moving slowly, not able to sit normally and looking like she was in pain. i did some research on the net, and realized that she had probably been having anal sac problems. i slung her in the cat carrier over my shoulder this morning and we headed to the dupont veterinary clinic. they were able to see her even without an appointment. they think she has a ruptured anal gland - there is a big swollen mass next to her tail. she wouldn't let the doctor do an anal exam, and they didn't have time to do the full biopsy/surgery today, so they gave her some antibiotics and another medicine and sent us home. we're to do warm compresses all weekend and the pills. she managed on the way home to vomit up the pills they gave her at the vet, so we'll have to try again tonight. we made another appointment for monday so they can check up on it and operate if necessary.

if i had taken her in a week or so ago, the gland might not have ruptured. so, dear reader, you can say i told you so, or heap additional abuse of your choice on me. but i already feel horrible. in the end, i'm sure she'll be fine - these things are fully treatable. it's just going to cost us. pain, suffering, and financial burden.

(dc g6 174 p 8) beck

the new beck album is great, but lately i've been enamored with "sea change" (thanks, j), possibly because it's chocobloc with sad songs that i can totally relate to, like:

already dead

time wears away
all the pleaures of the day
all the treasures you could hold
days turn to sand
losing strength in every hand
they can't hold you anymore
already dead to me now
'cuz it feels like i'm watching something die
love looks away
in the harsh light of the day
on the edge of nothing more
days fade to black
in the light of what they lack
nothing's measured by what it needs
already dead to me now
cuz it feels like i'm watching something dyin'

and

guess i'm doing fine

there's a blue bird at my window
i can't hear the songs he sings
all the jewels in heaven
they don't look the same to me
i just wade the tides that turned
till i learn to leave the past behind

it's only lies that i'm living
it's only tears that i'm crying
it's only you that i'm losing
guess i'm doing fine

all the battlements are empty
and the moon is laying low
yellow roses in the graveyard
got no time to watch them grow
now i bade a friend farewell
i can do whatever pleases me

it's only lies that i'm living
it's only tears that i'm crying
it's only you that i'm losing
guess i'm doing fine

press my face up to the window
to see how warm it is inside
see the things that i've veen missing
missing all this time

it's only lies that i'm living
it's only tears that i'm crying
it's only you that i'm losing
guess i'm doing fine

(houston -> dc n 175 p 4) porn yay!

ice cream at amy's tuesday night with the lovely and talented john paul and claire.

if you look carefully by claire's arm, you might notice the fine graffiti:

(houston s 174 p 7) please wait while your friend shuts down

shutting down all non-critical applications and clients, where criticality is defined as:
1) necessary for maintaining integrity (completing projects, promises, and responsibilities (including promises to myself))
2) required for obedience to the Faith and its institutions
3) central to making music and creating a future with more time, space, resources, and inspiration to serve through music

ironically, the fortune in my cookie today was "There will always be time for work. Enjoy life!"

(houston) imperfections

"It is my hope that you may consider this matter, that you may search out your own imperfections and not think of the imperfections of anybody else. Strive with all your power to be free from imperfections. Heedless souls are always seeking faults in others. What can the hypocrite know of others' faults when he is blind to his own? This is the meaning of the words in the Seven Valleys. It is a guide for human conduct. As long as a man does not find his own faults, he can never become perfect. Nothing is more fruitful for man than the knowledge of his own shortcomings. The Blessed Perfection says, 'I wonder at the man who does not find his own imperfections.'" - Abdu'l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace

"An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

(houston s 173 np 5.5) how is earnest kelly doing?

deleted.

(houston n 173 np 7.5) extended stay

the extended stay next to nasa is pretty nice, but the beds are super firm. gonna move.

also, have to replace headlight today - i knew i was likely to get pulled over, and i did last night. good thing i renewed my registration yesterday morning first thing. people scoffed at my apparent paranoia. but that would have been another expensive ticket. i guess my beat up old toyota is an easy target.

(dc -> houston 174 p 3) south is sick

something is wrong with my kitty. she is suddenly leaking very smelly liquid poo everywhere she goes. and now i have to leave for houston and leave her leaking poo.

i first discovered it on the massage chair last weekend, but thought it was an isolated incident. then yesterday, she smeared some real fresh stuff on my laptop when she sat on my chest and when i went to clean her up, there was a surprisingly big mess. later in the evening, it happened again, this time on my leg. now that i know about it, i see/smell spots of brown everywhere - on my pillows, on my sheets, on my blankets, on carpets, chairs.

does anyone know what's wrong with her? this has apparently been going on for at least a week. she doesn't act sick. her catbox looks normal. she seems to be eating and drinking normally.

poor kitty. it kills me to leave her like this.

(15th & U) solitary refinement

there is something dreamlike and perfect about being able to wake up in the morning, walk a block to yoga then pick up catfood at the petstore and corn tortillas and total raisin bran at the little market on the way home, all in the space of two blocks. maybe it's just the left-over high from being able to do that shoulder stand earlier today, but my appreciation for my neighborhood continues to grow. it's now saturday night, and people are out. girls all dressed up outside cada vez. jazz from utopia spilling out onto the sidewalk. perfect, slightly breezy, summer tanktop weather. i just took a break and walked to the corner for a hazelnut soy latté at love cafe. it must not be coffe-going hour. the place was open but nearly empty. i sat and read the city paper. citizen cope is going to be in town july 8th and 9th. i'm considering going to both shows and perhaps asking him to marry me the second night. do you think that's moving too quickly? my mother would say, "slow down, kelly, he doesn't even know you yet." pfft. details. i aspire to produce music someday that sounds as great as his.

i love this city, and i'm happy to have the chance to grow and blossom into it.

(dc y1 174 p 7) tax day

today i finish my taxes and associated tasks and temporarily pretend everything else is OK. i've learned that if i pretend long enough, it will still not become true. but it does get easier to pretend. ;)

this calls moby's song to mind:

"people they come together
people they fall apart
nothing can stop us now
cuz we are all made of stars."

on a serious (and possibly too earnest for some of you) note, today while doing taxes, i'll be reflecting on Abdu'l-Bahá's description of the four kinds of love from a talk he gave in england in 1913.

"97 Cadogan Gardens, London, Saturday, January 4th, 1913 What a power is love! It is the most wonderful,
the greatest of all living powers.

Love gives life to the lifeless. Love lights a flame in the heart that is cold. Love brings hope to the hopeless and gladdens the hearts of the sorrowful.

In the world of existence there is indeed no greater power than the power of love. When the heart of man is aglow with the flame of love, he is ready to sacrifice all--even his life. In the Gospel it is said God is love.

There are four kinds of love.
[...]

The fourth is the love of man for man. The love which exists between the hearts of believers is prompted by the ideal of the unity of spirits. This love is attained through the knowledge of God, so that men see the Divine Love reflected in the heart. Each sees in the other the Beauty of God reflected in the soul, and finding this point of similarity, they are attracted to one another in love. This love will make all men the waves of one sea, this love will make them all the stars of one heaven and the fruits of one tree. This love will bring the realization of true accord, the foundation of real unity.

But the love which sometimes exists between friends is not (true) love, because it is subject to transmutation; this is merely fascination. As the breeze blows, the slender trees yield. If the wind is in the East the tree leans to the West, and if the wind turns to the West the tree leans to the East. This kind of love is originated by the accidental conditions of life. This is not love, it is merely acquaintanceship; it is subject to change.

Today you will see two souls apparently in close friendship; tomorrow all this may be changed. Yesterday they were ready to die for one another, today they shun one another's society! This is not love; it is the yielding of the hearts to the accidents of life. When that which has caused this `love' to exist passes, the love passes also; this is not in reality love."

-Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 179

if work offered in the spirit of service is worship, today while working i will be praying for True Love to be manifest in lives and hearts, if that's what God wills.

(dc g6 174 np 6) code

i have invented a new code for myself with a few key indicators so that i can (at a glance) kind of track my progress. it's part of my upward spiral theory. maybe when i have more time i'll make some actual charts.

(*dc y1 175 np 6) my life in an image

Photo credit (copywrite) Eric Nguyen

(*dc) praise andrea

tonight's yoga class with andrea was incredible. not only did i make it through the whole session without excessive pain and crying, but i felt great! i was challenged and at the edge of my envelope, but in a good way - not slammed by limitations and inadequacy, as has been the case so often recently. most of all, i felt happy and healthy and peaceful. afterwards, i overheard two others raving about the thursday evening classes, which are apparently becoming legendary. i think it's all due to the radiant and amazing andrea. i will make a point to be back from houston next week in time for this class.

(*montreal) contentment

"Consider the pettiness of men's minds. They ask for that which injureth them, and cast away the thing that profiteth them."
- Bahá'u'lláh, Kitáb-i-Aqdas, ¶122

"I bear witness at this moment, O my God, to my helplessness and Thy sovereignty, my feebleness and Thy power. I know not that which profiteth me or harmeth me; Thou art, verily, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise. Do Thou decree for me, O Lord, my God, and my Master, that which will make me feel content with Thine eternal decree and will prosper me in every world of Thine. Thou art in truth the Gracious, the Bountiful."
- Bahá'u'lláh, Bahá'í Prayers, p. 143-144

"O SON OF MAN! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials."
- The Hidden Words of Bahá'u'lláh, #48 from the Arabic

"They that follow their lusts and corrupt inclinations, have erred and dissipated their efforts. They, indeed, are of the lost."
- Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, CXXXVI, p. 297

"With firm determination, with the whole affection of your heart, and with the full force of your words, turn ye unto Him, and walk not in the ways of the foolish. The world is but a show, vain and empty, a mere nothing, bearing the semblance of reality. Set not your affections upon it. Break not the bond that uniteth you with your Creator, and be not of those that have erred and strayed from His ways. Verily I say, the world is like the vapor in a desert, which the thirsty dreameth to be water and striveth after it with all his might, until when he cometh unto it, he findeth it to be mere illusion. It may, moreover, be likened unto the lifeless image of the beloved whom the lover hath sought and found, in the end, after long search and to his utmost regret, to be such as cannot "fatten nor appease his hunger."

O My servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain."
- Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, CLIII, pp. 328-329

(*montreal) another day

conversation overheard getting off the chartered bus this morning at the canadian space agency:

delegate 1: "sigh...now for that cup of coffee."

delegate 2: "yeah. another day, another donut."

(*montreal) new france

tonight after our all-day meeting, we were taken by bus to dinner in Old Montreal. The staff at cabaret du roy were dressed in 1705 costumes, and the food was fabulous. there was no stage show, but they sang danced all night for us around the tables. i even received a marraige proposal. it would have involved staying in montreal, though, so that might have been problematic.

(dc -> canadia) progress/regress report

there was at least one sweet friend who was interested in my ongoing battle with a certain virus on my right foot, and in the meaning and significance i attach to it as a metaphor for my battles with my character flaws. i thought it might be a good time for an update on my regress.

i haven't done anything actively to attack the three remaining persistent lesions since i moved to dc, which has now been 5 months. this is nearly half a year of just ignoring them. in houston, roughly a year of laser treatments removed two lesions but created a new one and caused the other two to thrive and grow. last week i decided it was time to attack again. i made an appointment with one of the top dermatologists/laser surgeons in DC and met with him this morning. he said he doesn't recommend surgery, but rather prescribed an ointment that stimulates the body's natural immune system to attack and kill the wart. apparently my body is so used to these things that it doesn't bother to attack them on its own and just needs its attention drawn to the problem areas. to check that my immune system will respond to the treament, he put some of this ointment on my forearm, where i'm supposed to develop an itchy rash within a week. yay. itchy rash. he then charged me $150. plus the $48 in cab rides. he said all told it will probably cost me $300-$500 and take several months for them to go away.

what i make this mean is that there are still a high costs, pain, and a lot of work to be done on my flaws. first of all, i have to stimulate my own healing. no quick laser fix for me. my metaphorical medicine for this will be prayer, discipline, and focused effort. i figure health is easily achievable (the spot on my forearm is already burning and itching) - all the basic ingredients and the capacity to combat my weaknesses are there and just need to be focused on the tasks at hand. if all goes well, progress should be visible by my birthday in august, which is a milestone in several ways for me this year.

while there in the doctor's office, i also had him check for any signs of malignant moles (none) and asked him if he could do anything about several ugly little bumps on my legs. he said the bumps were benign and totally harmless and that the scar after removal would look worse than the bump itself. doctors have told me this before, but i have a hard time believing it. basically i just have to live with these flaws. so this is an exercise in acceptance. no one is perfect.

(dc) nothing and naught

my friend, duncan smith (aka don stokes army), gave me a copy of his new cd, "zero return," today. it's outstanding. i was inspired to record some of my own improvisational vocals for the first (instrumental) track. indulgence and dark, cartesian wordplay are sometimes what the good doctor orders. ;)

please don't spread this around - duncan hasn't even heard it yet, and he might hate it. you know how it can sometimes be when someone adds unsolicited ideas to your work. plus, i had to convert his stereo track to and from mp3 several times in order to add the vox, so that has compromised the original (excellent) quality of his recording. i'm hoping it's not copywrite infringement for me to post it here. i'll ask him tomorrow and remove the link, if it is. until then.

(dc) churchill, woody allen, and larry king

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - winston churchill

"Eighty percent of success is showing up." - Woody Allen

"Those who have succeeded at anything and don't mention luck are kidding themselves." - Larry King

i had seen these quotations before, but was reminded while reading marshall brain's "how to make a million dollars", linked from blogdex. they're good.

(dc) dead on arrival

i should really know better by now.
will i ever learn to protect myself?
more efficient, no less bleeding.

(dc) futures

yesterday at lunch, when discussing the mad chaos at nasa hq and throughout the agency, a jsc colleague asked me, "What do *you* want to do, kelly?"

i didn't have a quick, ready answer for her. i find this kind of question fundamentally problematic. first, it presupposes that our decisions and behavior are governed by our own wants and desires. this doesn't seem consistent with my internal drivers, which constantly scan the horizon for the paths of greatest alignment with a bigger picture. but what do you say to a nasa manager who's just trying to figure you out so she can identify what box in an org chart you're aiming for? how can you just say, "actually, i'm looking to maximize my ability to contribute, be a positive force, and serve humanity both at nasa and with my recording studio." a) that sounds hyper-earnest and cheesy. b) it doesn't really answer the question. c) the truth of the matter is that i don't really care what box i'm in. what i care about is that i don't feel like i'm a waste of taxpayer money. what i care about is that NASA does the right thing and that i can somehow be a part of the solution rather than part of the problem. what i care about is avoiding the whole political game and self-interested positioning exercise that motivates so much of what goes on here. what i care about is working for and with people that i respect, admire, and get inspired by. what i care about is trying to find a place where i can stay put for a while and stop all this crazy moving around. and i honestly care more about the greater good than what my particular role is.

people mistrust this.

so, i'm still trying to learn what to say to such questions. what i said yesterday was, "well, i don't have any particular ambition. i'd like to make a contribution somehow. i like it here in DC a lot. i'd like not to have to move again so soon. i'm tired of moving - it seems like i've been on the move since i started working at nasa 6 years ago. i'd like to see if i can find a way to be useful here." all the practical stuff minus the cheesy earnest serving humanity and making the world a better place stuff. that said, i'm still at nasa because i believe that somewhere underneath all the craziness is the honest wish of the people here (as it says in NASA's publicity) to embody the human spirit of discovery and to help improve the quality of life on earth. i just want to be a real, honest-to-goodness, part of that.

(dc) the stars ask

"LEO (July 23-Aug.22) The weight of the world may seem to be on your shoulders. Take an honest look at yourself; why are you holding so many resonsibilities?"

(dc) news from home

my sister, matt, and their three kids are moving in with my parents in an effort to save money in the expensive bay area. mother and carl are converting their living room and dining room into a master bedroom. extreme housing prices call for extreme measures. they've jettisoned a bit of stuff, but have also filled up 4 storage lockers.

my mother tells me that she's "holding onto half a storage locker full of baby stuff until she hears words from me that i definitely won't be needing it." sigh.

(dc) shaking the tree

Now things get really interesting.

(dc) discipline and self-control

"VIRGO (Aug.23-Sept.22)Everything is coming up roses. It matters not whether it's just dumb luck or just desserts, don't doubt your current good fortune."

"LEO (July 23-Aug.22) Discipline and self-control are essential. Things may only get scattered and out of hand if you drift too far off center."

"LIBRA (Sept.23 - Oct.22) Be sure to thank those who have done you a good turn -- particularly a loved one who has gone out of his or her way for you."

"PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Don't misunderstand someone close to you. Others may be unclear because they do not know what they truly want."

(dc) eat more chromium

if you're feeling down, have yourself a nice fried liver and mushroom sandwich on wholegrain bread.

(dc) ode to thursdays

i like thursdays.

it's the day the new washington city paper (which is, incidentally, hiring) comes out every week.

it's full of promise - still enough time to get work done, but weekend approaching fast.

there are lots of other reasons that i thought of on my way in to work this morning, but i can't remember them now.

addendum:
the best thing about thursdays (i remembered) is that it's the day of the week that goodwood opens with its fresh stock of new furniture finds. check it out next thursday.

(dc) spiral truck sighting!

I SAW A SPIRAL CEMENT TRUCK!

I was even holding my phone/camera in my hand, but it took so long to open up the camera application (stupid nokia phone) that the truck had passed. I then proceeded to chase it wildly down the street for a block until i finally caught up with it, and then my phone memory was full. I don't blame you if you don't believe me. Spiral cement trucks are rare. And this wasn't a FULL spiral cement truck. It had orange curves that curved in spiralish directions, but they were really just glorified stripes. still, they were curves. if it had been rotating, they would have looked cool. i'm sorry i failed in getting a picture. it both made my day and ruined my day.

(dc) searching for cement trucks

more and more people appear to be searching for cement trucks (and finding this blog). that makes me happy. they must be very interested in cement trucks to make it all the way here, becuase this site doesn't even come up on the first page of a google search for "cement truck" or "cement trucks". that's persistence. kudos to the 6 cement truck fans that hit this site since may 28.

i'm thinking of holding a national contest to see who can get me the best picture of a real (still functioning) full sized spiral cement truck.

on a side note, someone also hit from a search on "sonification gun." what's a sonification gun?