(dc) futures

yesterday at lunch, when discussing the mad chaos at nasa hq and throughout the agency, a jsc colleague asked me, "What do *you* want to do, kelly?"

i didn't have a quick, ready answer for her. i find this kind of question fundamentally problematic. first, it presupposes that our decisions and behavior are governed by our own wants and desires. this doesn't seem consistent with my internal drivers, which constantly scan the horizon for the paths of greatest alignment with a bigger picture. but what do you say to a nasa manager who's just trying to figure you out so she can identify what box in an org chart you're aiming for? how can you just say, "actually, i'm looking to maximize my ability to contribute, be a positive force, and serve humanity both at nasa and with my recording studio." a) that sounds hyper-earnest and cheesy. b) it doesn't really answer the question. c) the truth of the matter is that i don't really care what box i'm in. what i care about is that i don't feel like i'm a waste of taxpayer money. what i care about is that NASA does the right thing and that i can somehow be a part of the solution rather than part of the problem. what i care about is avoiding the whole political game and self-interested positioning exercise that motivates so much of what goes on here. what i care about is working for and with people that i respect, admire, and get inspired by. what i care about is trying to find a place where i can stay put for a while and stop all this crazy moving around. and i honestly care more about the greater good than what my particular role is.

people mistrust this.

so, i'm still trying to learn what to say to such questions. what i said yesterday was, "well, i don't have any particular ambition. i'd like to make a contribution somehow. i like it here in DC a lot. i'd like not to have to move again so soon. i'm tired of moving - it seems like i've been on the move since i started working at nasa 6 years ago. i'd like to see if i can find a way to be useful here." all the practical stuff minus the cheesy earnest serving humanity and making the world a better place stuff. that said, i'm still at nasa because i believe that somewhere underneath all the craziness is the honest wish of the people here (as it says in NASA's publicity) to embody the human spirit of discovery and to help improve the quality of life on earth. i just want to be a real, honest-to-goodness, part of that.